Subject: Waiting - A need of responsibility (long)
[This post is part of a thread started in another place, but I consider it sufficiently self-contained to present here. I have changed the correspondent's name to 'Leonie']
Dear Leonie;
You raise a very important consideration in regard to caning - in regard to any corporal event, for that matter. It has huge ramifications, which I consider to extend even into legal liability. I am convinced that some day an alert pathologist is going to discover fresh cane-marks on the buttocks of a road-crash victim. Aware of the phenomenon of post-scene 'high', with symptoms resembling extreme fatigue, a caner could find themself charged with breaching their duty-of-care. Sound fanciful? Well, in Australia we have certainly had hotel licensees successfully prosecuted for serving intoxicated patrons. And every day, professionals such as pathologists, medicos, and coroners become ever more BDSM-aware. If it ever becomes as popular a topic of conversation and media interest as homosexuality and lesbianism then some of us may need to start worrying about the size of our bank balance.
You wrote:
"i like your explanation about the power issue of the caner/canee... understanding the immense physical & emotional damage you can inflict on someone and learning to harness yourself are very essential realizations... :) man, why does my tummy squirm so much when i think about being caned?? :)"
Even the very word 'caning' has huge emotive overtones. It absolutely oozes history and ritual and formality. All of the men - and one or two of the women - whom I cane are all products of the 'old' private school system. Interestingly, nearly all of them were born in England or New Zealand. Their canings are always severe, and as such need to be technically perfect. But I'm totally convinced that it's not the caning itself which mesmerises them but the complicated role-play which precedes it.
The intending recipient initiates all proceedings, either by an email or phone-call. They usually find a way of letting me know that the contact is far from spontaneous. Typically, they will have agonised for ages before they send that email or dial that number. One woman confided that she had fantasised for SIX YEARS before taking the plunge. She admitted that these 'feelings' had been part of her life for as long as she could recall, but only in the last six years had she seriously considered bringing reality to them. Can you imagine some of the nights without sleep that have tormented her?
In the end, she behaved like many other people whose psyche has been tortured by their imagination. Unable to discuss, with anybody close, her most secret longings she disregarded just about every rule in the book for safe meetings. She was late for the meeting, apparently informed nobody of where she was going, and omitted to bring with her certain items of role-play. I doubt that she got anything at all out of the caning.
So when I receive that initial approach I need to be aware of the emotional mountain that the person has just climbed. The analogy of reaching the summit is appropriate, because in many ways what happens thereafter is downhill. In their mind thay have constructed an elaborate scenario where everything is perfect, predictable, and controllable. Suddenly, everything which was lovely and virtual has to become harsh and real. For many people the transition is too traumatic. They fall into the abyss of reality. With a brief email or a subdued phonecall they apologise for wasting my time. I understand fully. The email or the phonecall have substituted for the caning. They are simply confirming what I have long suspected: that all great canings occur only in the mind.
Perhaps that is how it must be. A few people experience such an altered state-of-mind when contemplating a caning that they become a danger to themselves and to others. This applies particularly to newcomers. They become irritable, forgetful, and can even lose their appetite for food. Their mind is at the mercy of incredible fantasies - some of them quite cruel - in which they frequently resort to excessive masturbation to relieve the tension.
It is my belief that all this turmoil occurs in the period *before* any approach is made. They seem to gain huge relief from having made that initial approach, from having set in motion a series of events with an inevitable outcome. I sense that they heave a huge emotional sigh of relief, say something like 'Oh well, I'm going to be caned, and that's all there is about it.' It's the same sort of feeling you get when you've decided to admit yourself to hospital for voluntary surgery. The procedure will certainly be painful, but is in your best long-term interests. Their 'fate' is now in the hands of the surgeon, and they can get on with the rest of their life. Of course, they will continue to sneak a look in the miror at their bare bottom at bedtime, and with pounding heart wonder what the image will look like in a few days time when they are discharged from 'hospital'.
I find it interesting that many people make no erotic or punishment associations whatever with a caning. In fact, you can seriously insult them by even suggesting that they might be 'turned-on' by the experience. What little ad-hoc research I've done on the topic indicates that a form of guilt is involved. Not the guilt that comes from 'sins' committed or man-made laws broken, but a much more profound guilt that can stem from deep loneliness or isolation. Feelings of rejection, of failure, of 'giving-up' are always perching in the background. And when they spread their wings the person is convinced he or she has broken some Great and Fundamental Law of the Universe. ('fundament' - of, or pertaining to, the buttocks. I shall resist speculating on the meaning of 'fundamentalist') Their way back into their group, into society - into acceptance - lies through the Valley of the Cane.
Little wonder, then, that canees will often request witnesses to their ordeal. The caning assumes all the drama and significance of a religious ceremony. Only if you have ever seen a canee cry publicly, or watched the audience hug them lovingly afterward, can you even come close to understanding what is happening in their mind.
When somebody asks you to cane them you need to be very sensitive indeed when divining their true motives. A *lot* more is involved than simply applying a cane to a pair of buttocks. Neither is the caner immune to these mind-altering spectacles, but seldom is the caner considered when after-care is being doled-out. That's a pity, because they shoulder an enormous responsibility.
Now a waiting period can be either imposed or contrived. It can be imposed by modern conditions of living. Typically, the people involved live far apart, have little spare time, and often have partners to consider. Many a potential caning has been abandoned when I point out that the caning *will* leave marks. And not only partners. Fellow patrons at the gymnasium would certainly be highly amused. So we need to make 'arrangements'; where to meet, how to get there, and at what time. Suppose a caning cannot take place for at least a week. If we do meet after such a long delay then I must be fully alert to the possibility that the recipient has gone completely 'off the boil'.
It may be that the caning could occur immediately, but you both decide that a waiting (stewing?) period is highly desirable. However, this can present the caner with a whole new kettle of porcupines. The caner can easily start to feel 'responsible' for the canee's welfare during the waiting period. And the uniquely-human ability to empathise can find the caner wondering 'Gee, what if they're thinking about the caning, and not watching that approaching asteroid? And they got pulverised? Strewth, I'd never forgive myself!' The fact of no verifiable impact of an asteroid upon a canee does nothing to dispel their anxiety. It is wrong to try soliciting reassurance from the person you are programmed to cane. They will quickly sense a lack of confidence in the caner. Their fantasy does not include an anxiety attack suffered by the caner at a crucial moment. When you've made all the arrangements, leave the canee strictly alone. It's their 'headspace', their time in the 'waiting room', and the caner has no part in it. But do keep the channels of communication wide open. Changes-of-heart and unavoidable delays are notorious in Corporalia. Be prepared for ongoing negotiation during the waiting period.
A word about the temptation to remotely role-play during the waiting period. Emails or phonecalls to the canee promising to 'cane their arse 'til their nose bleeds' are neither helpful nor professional, irrespective of whether you're charging money for your services. The person to be caned has enough to cope with, without the added burden of your fantasies. Your mind should be fully on the logistics of the caning. As a minimum, the canee needs to know where, and when. The canee will have lots of other questions as well, but this shouldn't be seen as an invitation to overspecify the event. They will quickly dismiss you as an amateur if you start prattling on about cane dimensions and the intricacies of positioning.
I began this post by suggesting that role-playing has an important part in a caning. I haven't changed my stance on that, but do be circumspect about what role you play. Not everybody wants to, or can be, a 'naughty little boy or girl'. They are adult, and you risk their scornful disdain by treating them otherwise. Which is another way of saying that I prefer to approach a caning as the doctor, rather than the disciplinarian, even if the recipient is dressed in 'school' uniform. There is no reason why a visit to the matron or medical officer cannot precede a heart-pounding knock on the headmaster's door.
The caner is guiding - not pushing - the canee through the Valley of the Cane. Their passage around every rock, across every stream, must be of their own volition. Every step is because they wish to take it. The caner must accept that few will complete the journey, though many will start. They are not to be ridiculed for that. Their appointment with the cane began many, many years ago, for reasons that we cannot even begin to understand. Many things can cancel that appointment. It is the duty of the caner to encourage and to inspire, but never to coerce. It is the canee's day, the canee's ceremony. Be mindful that the caner always risks disrupting a carefully-nurtured fantasy. Heed the ancient advice to physicians - 'First, do no harm.' Remember that the magical part of a caning is the act of submission itself - not the pain or the weals. A caning is a pact between two individuals, an act of trust and compassion. That makes it almost unique in the natural world. When the traveller emerges from the Valley of the Cane, and presents their bared buttocks, they are presenting the caner with an awesome responsibility. And that responsibility will not end with the last stroke.
Caner, guide them well. They are on the greatest drug-free trip yet invented by the human mind.
Eric Carwardine, in Perth, Western Australia
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